D-Day: The Layoff

Historically, D-Day refers to the Western Allied Forces effort to rescue western Europe from Nazi Germany. It is a military term used to refer when an attack or operation is to be initiated. It’s also the term I use for “doomsday” life events. An exaggeration, I know. But, when life throws a curveball flipping your life’s trajectory on its head, exaggeration is necessary for the plot. So, let’s get into it.

The Layoff

Yep. We’re getting right into it.

It was a Wednesday morning and I was already looking forward to not having to log into meetings first thing in the morning. Oh boy, did I have it all wrong. My first sip of coffee and I became completely unsure if I even wanted to finish after only having been logged on for 30 minutes. I got a message asking if I was available to join a call from upper management. Weird. Our [sub-]department call got moved to next week (and I was about to find out why). “Hey John (Doe). I don’t have a meeting on my calendar. Could you send the zoom link over?”. I had been having issues with VPN for, at least, a month at this point. So, I thought nothing of it when my email and calendar was taking forever to update.

*Enters call*

You know what my first thought was after being introduced to HR on the call? Someone got in trouble and I’m about to be asked if I had witnessed any violations. Yep, I sure did. Layoffs were nowhere near the top of mind. I have been in such a situation before. And what the hell else would I think HR would want to speak to me about? My ledger was clean. The company was cybersecurity. I was sure they knew when I was working from Disney World 3 years ago. So, if they didn’t care then, why would they care now if I was home or at the coffee shop? Surely, I thought, it couldn’t be me – but, it was and not in the best way, either. I was stunned and felt utter defeat. It was over. Just like that. I was left speechless while trying to reboot my brain to gather – and retain – information on what happens next. My voice was cracking; pitch was pitching. Am I going to be able to hold myself together and ask my 101 questions before they move on to the next victim? 

*Exits call*

I felt like I was left – abandoned, rather – in the rain after a breakup I didn’t see coming. You know, like when the relationship has had its ups and downs, you move forward and you are so sure all is well and getting better? Yeah, well, all was well on my end, but not so much on the other. And, it really wasn’t me – it was them. I was a number and my role was determined “redundant”. Ouch?! Now, wrap your head around that one.

*Crashout event loading*

I thought about the bills; the life my husband and I have created; our youngest turning one at the end of the month; the extra work my team would have to take on as if we all weren’t already stretched thin enough; where is my manager? The list goes on…

I called my mom and I texted my husband right away: “We need to talk later”. And he basically said “To hell with that, what’s going on?”. As a matter of fact, let’s have a quick laugh. If you know anything about my husband, this interaction will come as no surprise to you:

*phone rings immediately after text is sent, places mother on hold*

H(usband): "Hey. We need to talk? What's going on?"

Me: "Are you not on a field trip with your kids (his students) right now?"

H: "Yeah, we're walking the trail right now. I got my AirPods in, what's up?"

Me: *deep sigh, knowing this is not the conversation to be had while busy with anything, really* "I just lost my job."

H: "Wait what?"

Me: "I literally just got off the call. I don't have anything else to tell you right now. I haven't even checked my email yet to see the details of my separation agreement and next steps. That's why I said later. All I know is that there was an email that came to my inbox at 11pm last night stating layoffs were coming-". My voice was definitely beginning to raise in volume, at this point. "-and I ended up in a meeting that just came up on my calendar this morning with upper management and HR. I don't have anything but that right now."

H: "Is it too early to start making jokes?"

Me: "Oh. My. Gosh. Can you be serious for like 5 seconds of your life? Please. I beg 😭."

H: "I mean, we can get food stamps and WIC now. And we have a baby?! Oh, we're up now! You know, out here, they got the good stuff at the food pantries..."

*end scene*

I let him get his jokes off. They made me laugh. I didn’t want to laugh! But, they were some good ones. I let his conspiracy brain rock and go to town about the government, the economy, and that inevitably this layoff was to come being in the tech industry. And, there’s nothing wrong milking the government for assistance when you pay your taxes on time with the threat of jail time hanging over your head. Call me a socialist – I don’t care. My husband had assured me all will be fine and that he’d call me back later to check in on me. Not even 10 minutes later, he called back and told me my sister would be coming to the house to help with the kids. He was serious – and caring – for more than 5 seconds in his life. A man, if you will.

I had been on the phone with my mother all morning, bawling my eyes out, hyperventilating, asking “What the f___?” every other minute and apologizing every time some profane word flew out my mouth. I leave that talk for my friends, never my parents. Emotions have to be terribly high for that to occur. They’re pretty understanding folks, so I get away with my “Get out of jail free” cards as long as it isn’t frequent. Let my mom tell it – and many of you know the saying: “I ain’t one of your little friends”. But, my mom knew I needed her and she let me go to town. I remember the moment when my mom – trying to calm me down – asked if I could just go to my work laptop to look at the company’s policies to answer all the immediate concerns I had. I turned around and what do I see? The computer screen requesting a six-digit PIN to be unlocked as requested by its administrator. It had only been 10 minutes since I had gotten off that call. I was gutted. I was sick to my stomach. It was an immediate gut punch. At least, it felt that way. Have you ever fallen so hard it knocked the wind out of you? Yeah. That was the feeling. And now, only an hour later, is the baby waking up and crying from her morning nap. Now we’re both crying on the phone with YaYa. That morning was incredibly slow… and I wanted the day to be over – fast.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention my phone blowing up all day from now ex co-workers. I mean, people were dropping like flies all day. One by one. Like, you too? At this point, I had just preferred we’d all had been on a zoom call together and just got it all out the way. It felt like the rapture was upon us and I just see all my friends popping in one by one into purgatory.

The day was dragging, as some of my colleagues had jobs for two to three (or more) hours into the day, unlike me. I had 30 minutes EL-OH-EL. But, you know what was amazing to see in those moments? It was in love, care, and support, that we just made sure to keep each other lifted (this also includes those who weren’t RIF-ed and still reached out). I was amazed at how many people even drummed up brain cells to go to LinkedIn right away and make the announcement they were available for work. Meanwhile, I’m still pacing my living room, shouting into the void, processing every single emotion possible. I texted my therapist.

 "Good morning. I hope you are well today. I am currently processing a lot here and can't decide whether I need an additional session ASAP or just ask to be lifted in prayer. I lost my job today. Um... again, still processing, so I'll let you know, but just thought I'd give the heads up."

I just had my regular standing therapy appointment Monday of that week.

A Moment in Therapy

My therapist got back to me and told me she had two slots available that day later in the afternoon. Other than that, she was booked for the rest of the week. I had two options: tough it out or talk it out. I was going to be talking about it all day anyway, so why not, right?

I managed to get out all that I had to say in 38 minutes. Wow. Record time 😏. I was definitely talking a mile a minute.

My therapist noted how quickly I was moving through the stages of grief. After many years in therapy, what was probably most effective that day was the “stop-thought” method. I was intentional about keeping intrusive thoughts out while letting myself feel all the emotions to occur. I had to focus on what only I could control. I, then, began having a hard time being mad and upset at the company after reflecting on my 5-year tenure. I mean, other than my name “being pulled out of a hat, like some lottery system”, what did I have to sit here and hold a grudge about? I couldn’t let imposter syndrome drown me into thinking I wasn’t good enough at what I love to do, and then anxiety worry me to death about who would take a chance on me next. Hm. What was next?

Layoffs are hard. There is nothing good, great, or positive in those moments you are discussing your involuntary departure from a company. So, immediately, as I imagine the same for anyone else, I was mad, devastated, perplexed, and feeling hopeless. But, damn, I have so much to be grateful for during my tenure. I have learned so much, met so many people with such brilliant minds, got to travel and go to conferences, partake in free coffee and snacks – and lunch! – in the office, and having a regular happy hour crew all while making an impact. I got to experience everything I wanted out of building this career all at one company in an amount of years I can count on one hand. Praise God. Now, it’s time to build that again – and more – somewhere new.

By EOD, I decided that the best I can do is take it all day by day. In my moment of much reflection – thanks to my sister dealing with the kiddos for the rest of the day – there were too many blessings to count to sulk in hopelessness and despair. May was already planned to be an incredibly busy month for me with personal commitments. So, at least, I could look forward to being distracted for a bit. I had time now 😅.

So, we’re here. This is what we’re doing – ya know, amongst other things, like looking for a job 😅. I hope you all got a laugh. I hope some of you realize you are, too, not alone. If there are any CrowdStrikers here and you want to chat (honestly, about anything), just click that LinkedIn button in the header and reach out to me. I’ll eventually get a Calendly link going (thanks, Steve!). Anyone else just wanting to connect, feel free to do the same. I’m #OpenToWork and welcome all that’s waiting for me entering this new chapter.

Out of office, on a mission

– Nichelle